Archive for October, 2012

(The proceeding file has been uncovered for the benefit of the public at-large by “Wickedleaks”):

MEMORANDUM

 To: Swat LeRock, Chief, U.S. OFFICE OF RIMLAND SECURITY; Classified Recipients (DO NOT FORWARD)

 From: Eaton Spalding, Director, Victimization Security Agency (VSA)

 Date: October 29, 2012

Re: Posterization Profiles, National Basketball Association 2012-13 Season

At the outset of every professional men’s basketball season, the VSA ascribes a high value to proactive measures identifying prime dunkbait candidates. This procedure is undertaken annually, in advance of impending threats of soul-crushing highlight plays.

Preventative actions by the VSA are intended to permit authorized NBA teammates and coaches to be vigilant in defending against probable attacks against the baskets they are purportedly responsible for defending.

Please understand that this information is held in the strictest of confidence, considering such data on these “soft targets” could prove particularly vital to opponents of ill will, and unfairly advantageous to highlight and mixtape producers, web bloggers, and the reprographic poster industry.

For convenience, we are color-coding the following “Posterization Profiles,” illustrating the relative degrees, of intensity and frequency, to which 110 individual players are in the highest and most immediate danger of victimization, at the hands of high-flying opponents eager to terrorize rims with their Weapons of Manhood Deflation (WMDs).

C O D E    R E D

(Extreme Risk: Prepare player agents for damage-control operations; Appearances on wrong sides of #SCTop10 plays likely)

 “VERTICAL LIMPS”Frontcourt players whose shots get blocked… a lot.

Description: These players are among the power forwards and centers, due to their height, which are most likely to be found at the front of the net on defense. When on offense, players who get their shots rejected are often displaying inferior vertical leap relative to their competitive peers, or inadequate timing or technique. Such players will likely incur the wrath of opponents as they wear down late in games due to overutilization.

Human Embodiments: Alton Lister, Hot Rod Williams

Top 10 Soft Targets:  Lou Amundson (Minnesota), Joel Anthony (Miami), Omer Asik (Houston), Jon Brockman (Houston), Eddy Curry (San Antonio), Jordan Hill (Los Angeles Lakers), Ryan Hollins (Los Angeles Clippers), Ivan Johnson (Atlanta), Nikola Pekovic (Minnesota), Tristan Thompson (Cleveland)

“AND-1 POSTER MAKERS”Centers with a high ratio of fouls to shot blocks

Description: Rather than jumping like the Vertical Limps, these players are more likely to try to stop the ball, or the ballplayer, on the opponent’s way to the rim. They will likely be found in posters swiping in vain at the ball as it is hurled through the hoop, or hugging/tackling/mauling the opponent in a failed attempt to keep them from reaching the basket. The inability to rely on charge calls from flopping will result in more physical collisions on dunked baskets.

Human Embodiments: Danny Schayes, Jack Sikma

Top 10 Soft Targets: Kwame Brown (Philadelphia), Reggie Evans (Brooklyn), Ian Mahinmi (Indiana), Jermaine O’Neal (Phoenix), Emeka Okafor (Washington), Kendrick Perkins (Oklahoma City), Johan Petro (Atlanta), Dexter Pittman (Miami), Jason Thompson (Sacramento), Ronny Turiaf (Los Angeles Clippers)

“WAY PAST EXPIRATION DATES”Tall, but aging fast

Description: In a league lacking height to provide some semblance of post presence, players meeting that single criteria of height will be encouraged to string out their careers on veteran contracts, even drawing some out of retirement for just one more ride. Well past their athletic peak of performance, these players are just waiting for that sign from above that it is time to hang up the jockstrap once and for all. Such signs will often, indeed, come from above.

Human Embodiments: Othella Harrington, Alonzo Mourning

Top 10 Soft Targets: Marcus Camby (New York), Jason Collins (Boston), Brian Cook (Washington), Dan Gadzuric (Philadelphia), Brendan Haywood (Charlotte), Grant Hill (Los Angeles Clippers), Jamaal Magloire (Toronto), Nazr Mohammed (Chicago), Joel Przybilla (Milwaukee), Kurt Thomas (New York)

“EURO PEONS”Foreign Rookies far too desperate to impress

Description: Their defenses seemed so much more imposing over in the Baltics. Often built in the mold of the late Dwayne Schintzius’ “Ivan Radovadovitch” character in Eddie, these players will make futile efforts at defensive stops at the rim, attempting to leave positive impressions on their North American teammates. Most tend to learn their lessons after a year or two, when the only impressions left are on their foreheads. From a pragmatic perspective, being victimized spectacularly is often the only reason the American public ever bothers to figure out what a Goran Dragic, an Ersan Ilyasova or a Timofey Mozgov is.

Human Embodiments: Gheorghe Muresan, DJ Mbenga

Top 10 Soft Targets: Victor Claver (Portland), Nando de Colo (San Antonio), Evan Fournier (Denver), Joel Freeland (Portland), Slava Kravtsov (Detroit), Donatas Motiejunas (Houston), Tornike Shengelia (Brooklyn), Alexey Shved (Minnesota), Mirza Teletovic (Brooklyn), Jonas Valanciunas (Toronto)

C O D E   O R A N G E

(Severe Risk: Get ample amounts of popcorn ready in advance of any upcoming games; Prepare for extended Twitter crashes in aftermath of dunks)

“HUMAN HIGHLIGHTED FILMS”: Recent NBA Slam Dunk Contestants

Description: More of a development in recent years with taller contestants competing for and winning titles, getting prime time attention on All-Star Saturday Nights is seen as one way some athletes can make a name for themselves. For others, dunking on these same players in game action is, in turn, a way to build a rep of one’s own. Jeremy Evans (Utah) found this out the hard way during 2012 Summer League action.

Human Embodiments: Josh Smith, Dwight Howard

Top 10 Soft Targets: Chase Budinger (Minnesota), Jeremy Evans (Utah), Blake Griffin (Los Angeles Clippers), Dwight Howard (Los Angeles Lakers), Serge Ibaka (Oklahoma City), JaVale McGee (Denver), Josh Smith (Atlanta), Tyrus Thomas (Charlotte), Gerald Wallace (Brooklyn), Derrick Williams (Minnesota)

“BUSY BODIES”Notorious help defenders and/or “Energy Guys”

Description: These players have a nose for the ball, often a nose literally on the ball. Their aggressive nature usually finds them in situations the average player would find discomforting: diving for loose balls, wrestling for jump ball calls, flying out of bounds to save a possession. Getting dunked on is among the least of their reservations. If they are decent help defenders, they will pay the price on defense when a teammate’s opponent springs a leak.

Human Embodiments: Eduardo Najera, Kurt Rambis

Top 10 Soft Targets: Nick Collison (Oklahoma City), Kenneth Faried (Denver), Alonzo Gee (Cleveland), Taj Gibson (Chicago), Jared Jeffries (Portland), Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (Charlotte), Andrei Kirilenko (Minnesota), Lamar Odom (Los Angeles Clippers), Tayshaun Prince (Detroit), Anderson Varejao (Cleveland)

“RARELY READY FOR PRIME TIME PLAYERS”Backup centers with foul-prone/injury-prone starters

Description: These players are usually just fine in their reserve roles… until they’re pressed into heavy-duty action at inopportune times, when players above them on the depth chart get injured or run into foul trouble.

Human Embodiments: Brian Cardinal, Brian Skinner

Top 10 Soft Targets:  Andris Biedrins (Golden State), Andray Blatche (Brooklyn), Corey Brewer (Denver), Hamed Haddadi (Memphis), Bernard James (Dallas), Enes Kanter (Utah), Timofey Mozgov (Denver), Miles Plumlee (Indiana), Larry Sanders (Milwaukee), Hasheem Thabeet (Oklahoma City)

“TAKE CHARGE ATTITUDES”Guards who eat charges for breakfast

Description: These backcourt ballers would much prefer to absorb the contact from drawing fouls at halfcourt or on the perimeter as opposing guards are bringing the ball upcourt or driving toward the lane. But often they are the last line of defense on transition baskets. And if they forget to stay in front of the semicircle beneath the basket, that last line of defense can get badly blurred.

Human Embodiments: Derek Fisher, Mark Jackson

Top 10 Soft Targets: Manu Ginobili (San Antonio), Royal Ivey (Philadelphia), Jeremy Lin (Houston), John Lucas III (Toronto), Andre Miller (Denver), Gary Neal (San Antonio), Jannero Pargo (Washington), Ronnie Price (Portland), J.J. Redick (Orlando), Kemba Walker (Charlotte)

C O D E   G R E E N

 (Moderate Risk: Administer first-aid as soon as possible to all ego bruises)

 

“FECKLESS FOES”Opponents in divisions full of high-profile dunkers

Description: Nestled among the league’s Top 50 dunkers are the high-flyers in the Northwest (McGee, Durant, Ibaka, Faried, Iguodala, Favors, Aldridge, Millsap, Al Jefferson, Hickson, Westbrook, Hayward) and the rim-rockers of the Southeast (LeBron James, Josh Smith, Bosh, Wade, Vesely, Mullens, Booker, Wall, Nene). Chances are good that many division opponents will be claimed as casualties in the process of getting the hoop and the harm. The odds are particularly stacked against these soft targets.

Human Embodiments: Greg Ostertag, Rony Seikaly

Top 10 Soft Targets: Cole Aldrich (Oklahoma City), Bismack Biyombo (Charlotte), Glen Davis (Orlando), DeSagana Diop (Charlotte), Al Harrington (Orlando), Meyers Leonard (Portland), Kyle O’Quinn (Orlando), Greg Stiemsma (Minnesota), Anthony Tolliver (Atlanta), Nikola Vucevic (Orlando)

 “LATE-ARRIVERS TO THE POSTER PARTY”Chase-down dunk block attempters

Description: Primarily backcourt players, they are among the fastest players on the floor, the quickest to get back on defense, and the least likely to give up on a play, even as the ball is entering secured rimspace. You are likely to find these players trailing their opponents in the poster, or catching up just in time to be fully inside it.

Human Embodiments: Jaren Jackson, Dwyane Wade

Top 10 Soft Targets: Eric Bledsoe (Los Angeles Clippers), Christian Eyenga (Orlando), Danny Green (San Antonio), Gerald Green (Indiana), LeBron James (Miami), Wesley Johnson (Phoenix), Nate Robinson (Chicago), Brandon Rush (Golden State), Jeff Teague (Atlanta), Dwyane Wade (Miami), John Wall (Washington)

 “SERVING GREAT TIPPERS”Big men with subpar defensive rebounding rates

Description: Many qualifiers for this category appear in Code Red/Code Orange categories above. These players are at substantial risk of giving up scores by way of offensive putbacks, especially “tip dunks” if they and teammates fail to adequately box out.

Human Embodiments: Calvin Booth, Greg Kite

Top 10 Soft Targets: Andrea Bargnani (Toronto), Boris Diaw (San Antonio), Chuck Hayes (Sacramento), Roy Hibbert (Indiana), Robin Lopez (New Orleans), Jason Maxiell (Detroit), Darko Milicic (Boston), Byron Mullens (Charlotte),  Marreese Speights (Memphis), Tiago Splitter (San Antonio)

~iyf