Posts Tagged ‘WATN’

Facializer – Darryl Dawkins

Ahh, the memories! Remember the “In Your Face Disgrace!” “Sexophonic Turbo Delight!” “Cover Yo Damn Head!” “Spine Chiller Supreme!” “Yo Mama!” And of course, the “If You Ain’t Groovin’ Best Get Movin’-Chocolate Thunder Flyin’-Robinzine Cryin’-Teeth Shakin’-Glass Breakin’-Rump Roastin’-Bun Toastin’-Glass Still Flyin’ Wham-Bam-I-Am Jam!” Jams so nasty and vicious each one got a nickname. “Snap-back” rims were inconceivable before Chocolate Thunder came on the scene. Only thing worse than getting dunked on is getting a glass shower on top of that.

Dawk is a coach now, moving on from the perennial USBL champion Pennsylvania Valley Dawgs to lead the new-look ABA’s Newark Express. But I’ll bet he could still take his centers on a trip to PlanetLovetron with a simple drop step in the paint.

(2008 Update): Darryl’s put coaching aside for a minute to help out the developers of Atlantic Yards (you know it as the eventual home of the Brooklyn Nets) with some sorely-needed community outreach)

Bonus: Wait, I thought Wheaties was just the Breakfast For CHAMPIONS? Oh, well, I suppose if you count USBL champions, then OK!

(2012 Update): Would a tomahawk jam be inappropriate at a hoops event conducted by the Choctaw Nation? We might find out when Planet Lovetron makes his way to Durant, Oklahoma (no relation) for the “4LoveOfTheGame” Coaches/Celebrity Basketball Game in March. Dawkins has been making dough just off of guest appearances lately, and will be active in his hometown of Orlando during NBA All-Star Game festivities in February. It, probably would make sense to have the Evans High grad as a Dunk Contest judge, no?



Victim: Jaren Jackson

(September 2005) With Spalding tattoos courtesy of KobeSpree, and countless other high-flying guards (Ron Mercer at 1:44 on this video), dude made NBA fans repeatedly scream the age-old question, “Why Jump?” Now the former New Orleans high school standout and Georgetown wing has jumped into the coaching ranks, following the footsteps of fellow Victim Alston Lister.
Jaren has landed in Indiana with the Gary Steelheads (a team apparently named after the residents who still choose to live there — just kidding!) This follows a stint with the now-defunct Philly Fusion (ABA).
(2008 Update) Jaren’s got an affinity for Hoosier State semi-pro squads with crazy names. The 2006 CBA Coach of the Year with the Steelheads, this time he’s moved over to the Fort Wayne Mad Ants of the D-League, returning to the town where he played in the CBA before joining the Spurs.
(2011 Update) Keeping the bizarre  team name thing alive, he’s gone north (and east) of the border the last couple years, coaching up the Mill Rats of St. John in Canada’s NBL. My favorite story of Jaren was hearing about him getting T’d up as the head coach during a 2007 CBA game with the slightly-less-whacky-named Pittsburgh Xplosion. Making Woody Hayes proud, he once ran off the bench to grab an Albany Patroons player, keeping him from yet another breakaway dunk to take the lead late in the game. The CBA player’s name? Jamario Moon.

Facializer: Robert Pack

(September 2005) Quick, who was Eurobasket’s Lithuanian League Guard of the Year, leading perennial power Zalgiris to the national League title and the Baltic League Championship? Why, none other than the Pack-Man! Robert used to pack it on NBA frontcourt players (Shawn Kemp (1:21 on this video)Shawn Bradley, Thurl Bailey, Eric Leckner) with no fear back in his heyday.

(2008 Update) Robert has since hung up his shoelaces. He made a short-lived attempt at returning to the League with the Raps in the ’05 preseason, but didn’t make the roster. In Dallas, he ran into mortgage troubles and a legal dispute over a house with the oft-injured and oft-whining Cowboy receiver Terry Glenn, who I’d better refer to as a “He” or else I might get sued too! He also is parlaying his worldly travels into on online travel agent gig, along with a bunch of ex-athletes the likes of James “Bonecrusher” Smith, Mike Alstott, and Lou Brock – I dunno if I trust a guy most famous for ‘steals’ with my money, but hey…
His comment to a fan on the 1994 Slam Dunk Contest, where he was runner-up:
“I was more of a game dunker, hoping a big guy would challenge me at the rim. The 1994 dunk contest was hard for me without the 7-footers to go after.”
YouTube: It’s Robert Pack, by a nose! Watch him stone an Estonian by throwing dem ‘bows in Baltic League ball.
(2011 Update) He’s moving up on the bench as quickly as he used to get to the rim. When it comes to player development, Pack-Man’s proving to be among the best in the business. He worked wonders with rookies Marcus Thornton and Darren Collison as an assistant with hometown New Orleans, and now the ex-USC star is doing the same with Eric Bledsoe in Clipperland. Watch out, Vinnie!

Victim: Alton Lister(2005 Update) After getting ceremoniously crammed on by Shawn “The Original Daddy” Kemp in the playoffs, Alton took his knowledge to Mesa College in ‘Zona, where he’s been coaching since 2000. His top lesson? Don’t stand under the basket, or you will get blistered!

(2008 Update) The seven-foot tall Lister snuck back in the pros to coach, currently “blistering” the likes of Josh Smith and Al Horford with his sage guidance as an assistant with the Atlanta Hawks. Here’s a shot of him with fellow perennial dunk-victim Patrick Ewing at the 2008 NBA Predraft Camp. When it comes to getting posterized, do ya think they’ve got a few stories to share?)
(2011 Update) Lister decided to take his skills to the Philippines, where his brother played back in the 1980s. He was chugging along as the skills coach for the San Miguel Beermen — now the Petron Blaze Boosters, but can you imagine the perks? — and has transferred recently to the Bolts of Meralco, being replaced at Petron by Alex English… Courtesy of LamarMatic: A couple games preceding the poster-ific classic, The Reign Man had a one-piece rained atop his forehead courtesy of you-know-who. Hey, maybe that’s the original meaning behind the blister… did Kemp grow a knot up top?
Facializer: Xavier McDaniel
(2005 Update) Like Kemp, I think the rim must’ve said somethin’ mean about Xavier’s mama when he was a kid, ’cause by the time he grew up he knew damn well how to punish the rim and anything (like Sir Charles and Johnny Newman?) that got in his way.
Although X reportedly got smashed on while at Wichita State when Spud Webb (who was in the League by then) came for a visit… now that had to be a Shocker!… like Lister, X did a lil coaching, too — who better to be a SlamBall coach than the X-Man, leading the Riders to the championship! (SlamBall turned out a’ight, but everybody could tell the concept needed some work.) Anyways, post-SlamBall he’s just been going around Carolina and NBA summer camps providing tutelage on the proper way to stare down your opponent on the inbounds right after tomahawking on his head.
(2008 Update) Let it not be said that the X-Man isn’t afraid to dabble. Over a decade removed from an underwhelming Korean sneaker contract, (wow?) X has gotten a little cameo-acting bug (see YouTube below), took up house-flipping (highlight to see the text), and carried his “Grand Slam”-ming ways onto the tennis court (here he is in Wichita playing doubles with veteran Natasha Zvereva for charity).
“NBA Superstars Out of Their League, Take Two. Lights, Camera, ACTION!”
(2011 Update) Sounding recently like a man who remembers his best dunk fondly…
… he’s back in the Gamecock State, having added a janitorial service to supplement his real estate ventures. Hopefully his daughter, AAU star Xylina, isn’t out there mean-mugging kids after crossovers and layups…

{I’ll get back to creating new WATN profiles soon, but meanwhile I’ll be updating the NBA-related ones I’ve put together over the past few years. The profiles got more detailed and more fun to write-up as the years went on.}

Victim: Kornel David.

(June 2005) Since T-Mac rode his azz back to Hungary, KD’s been lightin’ it up in Lithuania and in Euroleague for Tau Ceramica.

(2008 Update) Right now he’s still in Spain, with Gran Canaria, rolling with the likes of former Rainbow-Warrior Carl English and ex-Terp Nik Caner-Medley.

(2011 Update) Korny’s hung up his shoelaces and grabbed an IPad… he’s taken up scouting! After a brief 2-season stint with the Cavs (Christian Eyenga, anyone?), the “Hungarian MJ” last season became the head of international scouting for the Suns.